Archive for August 8th, 2014

What H-Town Wanted

Ryan Howard of the Phillies smacked a grand salami off of us last night in the bottom of the eighth and snatched a 6-5 win from us. How many career grand salamis does Howard have?

Joe L. Jordan, Editor of the Limoinsider Report, put the following out yesterday on the City letting Uber and Lyft play in H-Town. Uber and Lyft were operating without permission and I really don’t think they will play by all the rules laid out in the new ordinance.

The City for sure is not going to add staff to make sure things are running smoothly. They didn’t on payday loans and they won’t on this. It will have to be up to Yellow Cab and the limo folks to put together a monitoring division and pass the results over to the City. That’s what H-Town wanted! Here is the Limoinsider Report:

Last night, UBER Lobbyists and the ten Houston council members who supported them were basking in their glory and one can only presume that the champagne, caviar, oysters Rockefeller and prime angus beef brisket flowedfreely.

The Limousine, Taxicab and Jitney companies, working together shoulder-to shoulder fought the good fight and kept the UBER you-know-whats at the city gates for sixteen long months. The estimated cost for UBER to penetrate our market is in the millions. (Chump change for billionaires)

We made UBER and Lyft blink and forced them to submit to degrading and insulting requirements that they evade in all other cities.

As Houston Mayor Parker, said, “We hope this ordinance (Chapter 46) will be a model for all cities.”


1) All UBER/Lyft drivers must submit to:

a) Fingerprints and full FBI background check
b) Mandatory drug tests
c) Physical exam by a doctor

2) All UBER/Lyft vehicles must be rendered to Harris County for annual Ad Valorem Property Taxes. (Estimated $500-900 for a newer SUV)

3) All UBER/Lyft vehicles must submit to annual vehicle inspections by City of Houston Inspectors.

4) UBER/Lyft, Taxicab, Town Car and vans must be removed from service at seven years or 150,000 miles, whichever comes first. Stretch Limos can
go ten years.

5) UBER/Lyft drivers must pay 2% of gross revenues annually to the city. UBER and Lyft agreed to provide income data on each driver. (That’s a first in the USA) (20% to daddy UBER, 2% to the city and a price war with Lyft. Boy that will really attract new drivers) (Gypsy operators, anyone?)

6) UBER and Lyft (And Limo and Taxi) must have 3% of their vehicles as wheelchair accessible vans. Houston is the first city to force this on UBER. Council is to be commended for this provision.


1) Street hails now permitted.

2) Taxicabs will be allowed to do surge pricing during busy times and special events. (Same privilege extended to UBER/Lyft)

This will have the unintended consequence of ripping off all Houstonians when they need hired transportation the most. Taxis and UBER will monitor each other’s prices in a monkey-see, monkey- do marketplace.

UBER is actually a German Language acronym for “UBER VERKAUFSPREIS”(Over-Retail Price)

During the New York massive (3 1/2 inch) snowstorm, Jerry Seinfeld’s wife was charged $487 to take her daughter to a sleepover 14 blocks away. Drunks in San Francisco will pay $200 to go home TONIGHT from bars at 3 AM. New year’s Eve? Fuhgeddaboutit.

Fast-thinking cab operators can undercut those prices by $5 on their Hailacab App and steal all the UBER/Lyft millenials and yuppies. Hey, it’s all about free-market competition, right?

The Texas Legislature de-regulated electricity prices three years ago. How’s that working for you? (Most people’s home electricity bill tripled)

UBER/Lyft and Taxis will now do the same thing. $40 for an UBER ride that used to be $15 in a cab? Hey, it’s rush hour buddy, wait until 2:00 PM when the surge kicks out. It’s happening all over the USA.

You asked for it; you got it. You can always thank your Mayor and Council later. They really look out for themselves (Excuse me, I mean you)


1) Airport permits and fees. Airports in major cities are their own little fiefdoms and make their own rules. It remains to be seen how they will deal with the upstarts. Holding lots? Transponders? Annual fees? Get your wallet out UBER, and be ready to cough up big bucks.

2) Hours of Service (Sleep deprivation) and Driver Distraction (Too many electronic gadgets on the dashboard) were conspicuously absent from discussion. Might have come up if any of the lobbyists for either side thought it worthy of consideration.


1) In addition to the above, how about $520 a year to RENT the UBER dinosaur 3G phone? (Happening right now in Seattle)

2) UBER in other cities downgrades SUV’s and sedans from UBER black to UBERx (one third the fare) when they are more than three years old. Who you gonna complain to? You’re an independent contractor, sucka.

3) Turn down runs you don’t want? They keep track of all refused runs and it affects your “Score”. If it drops down below 4.5 out of 5.0, you’re history. Think a Limo company will want to hire you? No way. You’re damaged goods.

4) If all the billybobs wanting to make extra beer money driving part time file under Limo instead of TNC, they will be required to wear dress pants, a clean shirt and a tie 365 days a year. You’re cool with that, right?


UBER and Lyft aimed for the moon but splashed down prematurely in the Houston ship channel by the sewer outfall.

Their lobbyist expense account would go the moon if the dollar bills were all scotch taped together.

We kept Attila the Hun and the swarms of Mongol hordes, their liars, thieves and drug dealers, felons, undocumented illegal aliens and rapist drivers (Excuse me, I mean all the fine folks at UBER and Lyft) away from our Valhalla as long as we could, one of the last holdouts, like the Alamo.

I think the reason UBER spent so many millions to come here was to personally attack me and my city because I have caused them so much heartburn, angst and sleepless nights in cities all over the world. I am their biggest enemy and worst nightmare and I will continue in that capacity until the end of time.

The enemy of safe, regulated, legal public transportation is UBER and Lyft (Between them they have over 800 tickets for operating illegally on Houston streets the last four months)

The solution to UBER and Lyft is Jihad.

We will be watching every little step they make in Houston and we will be vigilant and vigorous in demanding that all the onerous regulations imposed on them by the Houston City Council will be strenuously enforced 24/7/365.

Again, I thank and praise my cohorts and fellow warriors at Yellow Cab and Liberty Cab, the Washington Wave Jitney and the 300 licensed legal Limousine Operators for all working together as one in this battle against the crooks and forces of evil. The council meeting yesterday for final arguments before the vote was five hours without even a bathroom break. Our minds are numb and our tails are sore, but we fought the good fight and put our boots on the throats of UBER and Lyft and forced concessions they have never surrendered elsewhere.

I truly feel that the valiant efforts of the “Band of Brothers” of legal, licensed operators comply fully with the exhortation below:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” ― Theodore Roosevelt

So the game is not over. To the contrary, it has just begun.

The referee has blown his whistle and it is game on!

Hurry up and get out here on the playing field, UBER and Lyft……

So we can whip your ass.

AG Abbott and Team Davis announced they were putting out ads. How much are they spending on the ad buys?

Today is a good day to pick up a hard copy of the Chron. Lisa Falkenberg has a must read piece on burnt orange affirmative action. Nice job again Falkenberg!

Ryan Howard has 13 career grand salamis of course.

The two lousiest teams in the AL meet this weekend at The Yard. Sigh!

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